Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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