why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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