party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
