I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
