I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
