Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
