My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
