Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
