Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...