it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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