I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
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Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
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How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.