I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
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It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
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Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.