Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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