Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
