She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
