My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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