There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
