Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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