You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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