I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
