and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
