i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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