I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
