not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
