i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
