Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
