Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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