White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
