So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
