I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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