she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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