Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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