my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She tied me up with her honor cords...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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