Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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