Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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