she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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