You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
