ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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