I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
