so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
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I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
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She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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