My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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