omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
