i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
