Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
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