Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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