I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
