Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
