If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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