My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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