you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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