can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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