What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
