Just fell off a train. Bad.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize