i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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