Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
