Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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