Where did you get a picture of my penis
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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