I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
