some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
