i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
