he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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