it's too hot outside to masturbate.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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